"Recovery Begins"

Dear Intern,

Hey, I just read your letter.  So you're feeling burnt out, yeah?  I'll tell you now, you're not alone feeling that way, and trust me, you are not a failure.  We all get burnt out at some point or other, and if anyone tells you they haven't, they're either lying to you or they're not fully immersing themselves in what they're doing.  Even Jesus, I think, got burnt out time to time.  Jesus of all people.

The best remedy for burn out is doing what you like.  Do you like movies?  Watch a movie or 2 when you get the chance.  Do you like to eat baked potatoes?  My god, go to Wendy's and get you a loaded baked potato.  They do it right.

I'm going to be straight with you, as things are starting to wrap up for my time this summer, I am feeling a bit burned myself.  I have had a terrible cold and asthma problems for the past 2-3 weeks, which has definitely prohibited me from doing my normal things.  For the most part I have tried to rest, do work from home (such as blogs and reading assignments), and occasionally light "office type work."  I've lost focus in a greater purpose of what it is I am doing, and I have felt continually inadequate to being an intern.

Every day is a new day, though, and new days mean a Genesis, a beginning, a time to start over and make things right.

Here are some ways I deal with burn out--

1.  Skating in the heat of the day scantily clad with a Gatorade at hand.  Sweating is good for the soul.
2.  Listening to my favorite music.
3.  Driving
4.  Talking to people who get it (like your supervisor!!!)
5.  Snuggling/playing with Lazarus (my missionary cat)
6.  Reading
7.  Hammock
8.  Playing an instrument, and losing myself in it
9.  Writing (usually songs, but letters and blogs are good too)
10.  Something I rarely do, but praying.

Like I said, find the things that you enjoy, and make sure you have time to do those things.  Remember that each day is a new day, and no matter what happens, there is always grace, and it is sufficient even unto you and me.  Grace can cover a multitude of transgressions and sins, no matter how small or great they are.  God will always love you, and even though I have no idea who you are (right now you are just a figment of my imagination), I love you too, and I always will.

Here is one of the songs I like to listen to when I'm having a particularly bad day;
"Recovery Begins" Fireflight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1FU_mWzpoM

You'll be ok.  And you are doing great things.  :)

My love,
LT

"My faith is far too blind for me to see that You are near."

I write songs.  A lot.  When it's not something I "have" to do, it is a release and something I thoroughly enjoy.  That said, yes, the title is some of my own lyrics, which I am crazy proud of to be something that I wrote.  This one phrase has a way of encapsulating my struggles with faith and God and just downright believing in something greater.

I was talking to a former high school teacher of mine today about bikes and bike shorts, and somehow (I'm good at this) the conversation shifted into a deep philosophical/theological lament of sorts.  I asked her if she always felt called into teaching, and she said she did.  I explained to her that I was torn between social work, ministry, and missionary work.  I have never wanted to be a social worker until I started going to college, and even then I vary from wanting to be a social worker to just taking the classes because they make me a better future minister in certain respects.  I have always felt a calling into missions, but missions is way hard and way scary; much more demanding than social work would be.  There is no "off switch" when it comes to being a missionary in certain regards.  It is an "ongoing" thing.  Ministry would mean I would have to work in a church, and that brings about a whole "mother" slew of negative reasonings I'm not in the mood to get into; nor do I want to lose you.

The God I speak of to others is not always the God I fully believe in for myself.  If someone else comes to me with laments of how life is hard and evil, so God must not be there, I say, "No, God's always there. God is love, and God (I am trying so hard to avoid the pronouns) loves you and cares.  God didn't cause this to happen."  To "other."  To me, I still believe that God is there and God is relatively sweet and caring, but I often get bogged down by believing that when hard things happen to me, like say I don't get the guy I want, or college isn't what I hoped it would be, I get third-degree burned by a church and irritating Christians...it's God's fault.  God doesn't want me to have those things because God, for whatever reason, gives me special treatment over others and decides that I am not allowed to be happy and experience good things.  Why I believe that about God is beyond me...Unless you want to call it reverse pride or a really sick version of martyrdom.  Both I reckon are true in this case.

Sometimes I think that if I stopped believing in God my life would be easier.  I would only have myself to blame for things not working out, or I would just accept it as fate.  But honestly, God refuses to let me go, and I can't let go of God.  I have tried before.  A lot.  In the words of Susan Isaacs, comedian and author, "God is a silent squatter."  And that is precisely it.  God just sits there, in my head, my heart, and says/does absolutely nothing.  It reminds me of an old song by Joy Williams, "Silence"-- "So okay, answer me with silence.  It's ok if you don't say a word.  You're testing me to trust you'll be faithful in this quiet; so ok, answer me with silence."

Since I can't really give up on God, and God seemingly can't give up on me, what are we to do during these bouts of silent rage?  As far as what I Should do, maybe pray.  Wait it out.  But what I actually do and should do are different acts.  What I actually do is get mad, throw a few plates (you're welcome), threaten filing for divorce, and think/say, "I'm leaving."  But I never do actually leave.  I just keep thinking I will, and not so secretly desiring to.

Now, this is not to be mistaken as an abusive relationship.  When I say I can't leave God because God won't let me, I am not saying that God is manipulating me or better yet holding me hostage.  No, rather, no matter how mad or disoriented in faith I get, no matter how irritating God seems, I know in my deepest of heart that God is good and loving, and that if i stay around, that is better than the repercussions of leaving.  I couldn't do the social work/ministry thing without God.

"Silence" Joy Williams:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcOguJ_L9bE

"Story of a Bird" LT:

Stumbling around with a broken wing
Hurting and aching, only words I can sing
Watching all the other birds who can touch the sky
And I, I'm left here wondering
Why I can't get up and fly

They say there is a reason here for everything
And you, they say you make a way for those who believe
But I, I cannot help but think you've left me here
My faith is far too blind for me to see that you are near

Flailing about with a broken wing
Waiting and praying for miraculous healing
Watching my sisters as they touch the sky
And I, I'm left here asking
Why I still can't run and fly

They say there is a reason here for everything
And you, they say you make a way for those who believe
But I, I cannot help but think you've left me here
My faith is far too blind for me to see that you are near

Now I am flying with two perfect wings
Praising and thanking you with sweet melodies
Now with my brothers, I can touch the sky
And I, I share my story
With the ones who still can't fly

They say there is a meaning here for everything
And you, they say you make a way for those who will believe
It took a little time, Jesus, but now I can see
That you were always here, you never have left me.

Yeah, you were always here, you never have left me.

All this to say, yes, my faith is rocky and doesn't not mirror what is perhaps the ideal Christian.  I consider my faith to be that of a fallen, broken human.  Someone told me once that I had a lot of faith because my faith is strong enough to hold all of my doubts and anger.  I had never thought of it like that, but I reckon that's true.  In spite of things I have seen/read about, the anger and resentment I harbor at God or my projection of what I think God is, I still somehow manage to hold onto it.

I think we all have more faith than we think/know we do.  Hold tight, my friend.  If I can still sit at God's table, by all means there is room for you too.  You are loved and cared for.  Hang tight.

Light it up,
LT

Dear Future Intern

Dear future intern,

Hi!  Welcome to your ministry placement site.  You have been commissioned here for a purpose that only you can fulfill.  Remember that, no matter how hard or easy things are.

I am going to give you some tips to make this the best internship ever.

   1.     Always keep communication open between you, your supervisor(s), and your colleagues.  Confrontation may or may not come easy to you, but regardless, it is vital to keep the doors open.  Make sure your needs are known to ensure that you have the most fulfilling work experience.  Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings.

   2.     I cannot stress this enough, always ask for help when you need it.  Don’t let pride make you think you can do everything single-handedly.  You can’t.  You’re not alone, so don’t pretend that you are.  Ask for help the moment you need it, and don’t be afraid.  If you’re a guy, don’t live up to the stereotype.

   3.     Know your boundaries and make them clear.  Ladies, be sure to set clear physical boundaries with “clients.”  If you don’t, things can and will get messy really fast, and trust me, you don’t want that.  Side hugs are your best friend.

   4.     Allow yourself to be available on your work days.  Everyone loves a willing and available intern.

   5.     Get away on your days off and do fun things.  Don’t stay inside your room unless you’re sleeping—get out and explore the area and surrounding cities.

   6.     Invest yourself as much as you can while you’re at your placement.  This will also ensure the most fulfilling experience.

   7.     Don’t neglect your friends from back home.  While it’s important to immerse yourself in what you’re doing, try to keep contact going with them; especially on off time.

   8.     If you get homesick, try to have some form of familiarity.  This goes back to staying in touch with friends back home.  Write them letters.  Letters are fantastic.

   9.     Pay close mind to the rules of not only your placement, but also the overarching ministry that has commissioned you.

   10.  Self-awareness is your best friend.  Actually, self-awareness should be as close to your heart as the art of the side hug.  Know your needs.  If you’re an introvert, be an introvert.  If you’re an extrovert, be an extrovert.

Of course there are many other things that you will need to do and learn, but these will come with time.  Know that you are not perfect, and give yourself the grace to accept that fact and love it.  Finally brother or sister intern, love thyself.   You are beautiful just the way you are!

All my best to you,

Laura Tompkins

"[Grant that I might not seek] to be loved, as to love."

I have not always been a cat person.  I was raised with cats and dogs, adored kittens, but I can't say that I ever dreamed of the day when I would have my own cats.  I was always more into dogs than cats.  Who knew that for the first 2/3 of my senior year, I would have my own apartment and my own pets?  This definitely happened.  I got a dog, Hope, 2 months before I moved in, and right when I moved in..I got a cat.  Liam.  A few months later, I got another cat, Lucy.  Hope ended up staying with my parents, and they have all but adopted her, so for quite awhile I had only Liam and Lucy living with me.  At some point I applied to be a foster parents for dogs, and I had a cute little beagle/Chihuahua thing placed with me.  He ended up being everything I needed/wanted in a dog, so I (with the help of my awesome parents) adopted him.  His name is ColbyJack, after the cheese.

Lucy

Liam

ColbyJack

I didn't realize how important my animals, especially my cats, are to me until this summer.  Rather than being overwhelmed with homesickness for my friends and family (I can stay in touch with them via phone/internet), I have found myself overwhelmed with a longing for my pets.  Here I am surrounded by people 24/7, so I don't have time to miss human contact.  But there is no replacement for Liam, Lucy, and ColbyJack.  Back home whenever I have bad days, I could recluse myself in my apartment and snuggle with my pets and breathe.  Lucy never fails to jump in my lap with loud purrs, wanting to cuddle and be petted.  Liam does the same, and ColbyJack, though he doesn't purr, does snuggle with me, and is my constant companion.  I love them, and they love me in return, causing this awesome loving cycle.

Lately I have been finding myself socially, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  I came into this internship sprinting like an idiot, and now I am slowing down to a saunter-jog.  That said, I am not as "friendly" or "outgoing" as I was the first few weeks, and it is taking more work than I wish it was to get to that point.  I have to dig a little deeper and try harder to find compassion and love for people who are no longer "new" to me.  I am jaded.

Today is my day off, and I decided to go to a friends house to spend the day and cook lunch.  Right after I got here and got out of my car, I was approached by a ratty looking kitten/possibly-dwarfed-cat.  Its tongue was sticking out, its fur was dirty, oily, and matted beyond repair, the thing was absolutely disgusting.  Without too much of a second thought, I knelt down beside it and petted it and talked softly to it.  It purred loud, enjoying the attention.  I picked it up and held it against me for a little bit, slightly concerned for fleas, but dismissing the thought.  My friend brought it a bowl of water and a can of cat food, which it scarfed down quickly.

I have been pondering what it meant to pet this mangy cat and hold it.  I had a talk last night with a friend if I could ever be like Mother Teresa, and we got on the conversation of how we could not give up everything to literally live "that much" alongside the destitute.  I told her that I was more concerned with loving people and caring for them the way she did..not necessarily living a replica of her life and lack of material possessions.  Holding a mangy, flea-infested cat against my body, risking getting fleas and grossness on me, to me, was a type of replica of the love that she showed, that Christ showed, to people.  In that short moment I experienced a new kind of love and deep compassion that I don't always get to experience.

I'm hoping that having that experience with that cat will be transfered into my interactions with other again, that I won't so much "seek to be loved, as to love."  Because honestly, the most important thing I can do right now is to love others, and love them unconditionally, which is probably the most difficult, yet simple thing I can do.

Light it up,

LT

Ministering to the Mourning 101

As I mentioned in my previous blog, we at Grace and Main lost a very dear member of our family Friday, June 14, 2013.  I didn't know her as well as the others, and there was only one particular time that I spent an ample amount of time with her and really got to learn what she was about.

June 15 we were to have a Prayer Vigil in the garden behind her house.  I was torn whether or not to go, as I did not know her that well.  My fears were;

1.  I didn't know her well, so if I go, I'm going to look like a ghoul, and that is not my scene.
2.  If I don't go, I am going to look insensitive and non-compassionate, and that's not my scene either.

I asked my supervisor if I should go, and he said if I wanted to I could.  I ended up going, and I'm so glad I did, because I was able to join in the community in a deeper way, I was able to offer what little comfort I had to those that wanted/needed it, and I too received comfort.

Yesterday, I called my "spiritual-advisor-thing" (that's your new title) at her bidding, and we chatted for awhile about what had happened, and how all of us Grace and Main-ers are dealing with it.  I told her about my 2 aforementioned fears, and she said;

(memory paraphrase)

"As a minister, you always go to a funeral or memorial service.  You're not going for the person who died, you're going for your own healing or to be there to comfort the ones you love.  Never ask if you should be there.  Go for the people you love, and be there for them."

When she said this, I was immediately pierced and thought-provoked-- "Me?  A minister?  Oh stop."  But it's true.  While I am by no means a Reverend or a pastor of a church, I am, in some awkward square shape or form, a minister.  I practice "freelance ministry" among my peers, colleagues, and "clients" by finding the need and supplying it as I am able.  This can be giving/receiving hugs, giving/receiving hospitality in many forms, listening to a complete stranger talk about being in prison for 7 years and not giving it a second thought or passive flinch...you name the kind, subtle deeds, it's freelance ministry.

L.'s funeral was today, and instead of me asking to go, I was asked if I wanted to go, to which I immediately said I would.  No hesitation, after having that talk, and that quote continually running through my head and piercing my heart, I knew I had to go.

I won't give details about the funeral, but I am glad that I went.  I got a little more closure for myself and what happened, and I was able to give warm hugs to the ones I love, and cry a little more.

Light it up,
LT

"Where there is sadness, Joy."

It started out like any Friday night should.  I was riding in a car with 3 guys reaping havoc and tearing up Ben's car with a banana and water (sorry Ben!).  We had just eaten out, and we were going to Food Lion to get snacks, and then to Ben and Mike's to reap further havoc.  While we were standing around trying to decide what drinks to get, Mike gets a phone call.  I heard him say, "Yeah, we will definitely be praying for the house..." or something to that effect.  None of us had any idea or inclination of what he was going to tell us when he hung up the phone.

(This is a paraphrase of the best I can remember it):

"Hey guys...I have some...bad news.  L. was hit by a car today, she was taken to the hospital, no one had seen her for a little while, and, ..." (I was thinking, Please say she's ok.  Don't say she's dead). "...well, she died earlier..."

The whole atmosphere instantly changed as we switched from joyous havoc reapers to sullen, grief-stricken bodies.  We all stood there, trying to make sense of what was just said to us.  I didn't know her as well as the others, but I had just worked with her and got to know her a little over the past 10 days, but especially on Wednesday.

Every Wednesday L. and Bruce prepare breakfast to give out to the people who live on the North Side, and this particular Wednesday I joined her and Bread-Mike to prepare the plates and hand them out to whoever wanted them.  L. wanted so bad to at least reach their goal, which I think was 42 plates?  Every time people came to us wanting plates, she would eagerly rush inside to prepare them, and I would either hang around outside, or I would saunter in after her to help make them.  (Note this, I am a natural saunter-er.  It is not necessarily because I don't like what I'm doing..it's just what I do.  And I *loved* doing the breakfast.  Don't judge me!)

I am so pleased to announce that we broke that record by about 4 or 5 plates, if I remember right, and L. couldn't be happier.  She had such a joy and a happiness just to serve others, and to do the nitty-gritty, behind the scenes action that takes a special heart to want to do.  The whole time I was with her Wednesday, all I could see in her (she was an adult, mind you) was a giddy little girl, prancing around every time someone came to the house asking for food.  She gave me a new vision of child-like faith, not just in believing tiny words on cigarette paper, but the faith that in serving others, something is made right.

While this is a very hard hit for all of us here at Grace and Main, her legacy will live on, and the faith and joy she showed to me will forever be treasured within my heart.

"I am the resurrection and the life.  Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live."  ~ John 11:25


"'See, the home of God is among mortals.
He will dwell with them;
they will be his peoples,
And God himself will be with them;
he will wipe every tear from their eyes.
Death will be no more;
mourning and crying and pain will be no more,
for the first things have passed away.'
And the one who was seated on the throne said, 'See, I am making all things new.'" 
~ Revelation 21:3-5

Light it up,
LT