"My faith is far too blind for me to see that You are near."

I write songs.  A lot.  When it's not something I "have" to do, it is a release and something I thoroughly enjoy.  That said, yes, the title is some of my own lyrics, which I am crazy proud of to be something that I wrote.  This one phrase has a way of encapsulating my struggles with faith and God and just downright believing in something greater.

I was talking to a former high school teacher of mine today about bikes and bike shorts, and somehow (I'm good at this) the conversation shifted into a deep philosophical/theological lament of sorts.  I asked her if she always felt called into teaching, and she said she did.  I explained to her that I was torn between social work, ministry, and missionary work.  I have never wanted to be a social worker until I started going to college, and even then I vary from wanting to be a social worker to just taking the classes because they make me a better future minister in certain respects.  I have always felt a calling into missions, but missions is way hard and way scary; much more demanding than social work would be.  There is no "off switch" when it comes to being a missionary in certain regards.  It is an "ongoing" thing.  Ministry would mean I would have to work in a church, and that brings about a whole "mother" slew of negative reasonings I'm not in the mood to get into; nor do I want to lose you.

The God I speak of to others is not always the God I fully believe in for myself.  If someone else comes to me with laments of how life is hard and evil, so God must not be there, I say, "No, God's always there. God is love, and God (I am trying so hard to avoid the pronouns) loves you and cares.  God didn't cause this to happen."  To "other."  To me, I still believe that God is there and God is relatively sweet and caring, but I often get bogged down by believing that when hard things happen to me, like say I don't get the guy I want, or college isn't what I hoped it would be, I get third-degree burned by a church and irritating Christians...it's God's fault.  God doesn't want me to have those things because God, for whatever reason, gives me special treatment over others and decides that I am not allowed to be happy and experience good things.  Why I believe that about God is beyond me...Unless you want to call it reverse pride or a really sick version of martyrdom.  Both I reckon are true in this case.

Sometimes I think that if I stopped believing in God my life would be easier.  I would only have myself to blame for things not working out, or I would just accept it as fate.  But honestly, God refuses to let me go, and I can't let go of God.  I have tried before.  A lot.  In the words of Susan Isaacs, comedian and author, "God is a silent squatter."  And that is precisely it.  God just sits there, in my head, my heart, and says/does absolutely nothing.  It reminds me of an old song by Joy Williams, "Silence"-- "So okay, answer me with silence.  It's ok if you don't say a word.  You're testing me to trust you'll be faithful in this quiet; so ok, answer me with silence."

Since I can't really give up on God, and God seemingly can't give up on me, what are we to do during these bouts of silent rage?  As far as what I Should do, maybe pray.  Wait it out.  But what I actually do and should do are different acts.  What I actually do is get mad, throw a few plates (you're welcome), threaten filing for divorce, and think/say, "I'm leaving."  But I never do actually leave.  I just keep thinking I will, and not so secretly desiring to.

Now, this is not to be mistaken as an abusive relationship.  When I say I can't leave God because God won't let me, I am not saying that God is manipulating me or better yet holding me hostage.  No, rather, no matter how mad or disoriented in faith I get, no matter how irritating God seems, I know in my deepest of heart that God is good and loving, and that if i stay around, that is better than the repercussions of leaving.  I couldn't do the social work/ministry thing without God.

"Silence" Joy Williams:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcOguJ_L9bE

"Story of a Bird" LT:

Stumbling around with a broken wing
Hurting and aching, only words I can sing
Watching all the other birds who can touch the sky
And I, I'm left here wondering
Why I can't get up and fly

They say there is a reason here for everything
And you, they say you make a way for those who believe
But I, I cannot help but think you've left me here
My faith is far too blind for me to see that you are near

Flailing about with a broken wing
Waiting and praying for miraculous healing
Watching my sisters as they touch the sky
And I, I'm left here asking
Why I still can't run and fly

They say there is a reason here for everything
And you, they say you make a way for those who believe
But I, I cannot help but think you've left me here
My faith is far too blind for me to see that you are near

Now I am flying with two perfect wings
Praising and thanking you with sweet melodies
Now with my brothers, I can touch the sky
And I, I share my story
With the ones who still can't fly

They say there is a meaning here for everything
And you, they say you make a way for those who will believe
It took a little time, Jesus, but now I can see
That you were always here, you never have left me.

Yeah, you were always here, you never have left me.

All this to say, yes, my faith is rocky and doesn't not mirror what is perhaps the ideal Christian.  I consider my faith to be that of a fallen, broken human.  Someone told me once that I had a lot of faith because my faith is strong enough to hold all of my doubts and anger.  I had never thought of it like that, but I reckon that's true.  In spite of things I have seen/read about, the anger and resentment I harbor at God or my projection of what I think God is, I still somehow manage to hold onto it.

I think we all have more faith than we think/know we do.  Hold tight, my friend.  If I can still sit at God's table, by all means there is room for you too.  You are loved and cared for.  Hang tight.

Light it up,
LT